Jedi users rage against the Light Saber 11

The Trade Federation customer helpline has its hands full dealing with harsh feedback from Jedi all over the galaxy. The latest Light Saber 11 is disappointing apprentices and causing Master Yoda to say “Told you so, I did”.

“I got saber-banned for three months for no reason,” said Romen Folo, a Jedi Order aspirant from Holnak. “There was no notification of any kind and when I followed up with their customer service, they said there is no such thing as a saber-ban. Then someone on the holonet told me I was not allowed to speak ill of the Emperor within twenty meters of my light saber.”

Romen Folo said was hoping to brush up on his light saber skills before joining the order next year as an apprentice to Master Aloo Vindaloo. Romen Folo’s mother said her son just wanted to get away from the farm and that it would probably be good for the farm and several local animals and droids if he did.

Master Gran Tol from the Jedi Temple at Coruscant said he had warned of such things long ago but no one listens to him anymore. “Every bloody day there is a great disturbance in the force. Then it turns out it’s some new viral video on the holonet that the entire galaxy is raging about. Even the younglings are on their devices all day bathing in fear and anger. It leads to stupidity you know! And the stupid buy light sabers from the Sith.”

Gran Tol is not the ony one to suggest the Dark Side might have something to do with the Light Saber 11. But the Trade Federation has denied all allegations of colluding with the Sith. “The Trade Federation is committed to serving the galaxy’s technological needs and counts the Jedi Order among our most valued customers. We don’t know who this Darth Sidious person is,” a spokesperson said.

Speaking about the technical difficulties with the Light Saber 11, the Trade Federation spokesperson said, “We believe that a network of Light Sabers connected to a central server that tracks them, sends crucial security updates, and can turn them on or off at any time is a boon for Jedi everywhere.” When asked why the central server was located on the controversial Death Star, the spokesperson said the megastructure had been chosen for purely logistical reasons and urged the galaxy to not make things political.

The Trade Federation’s justifications however, are failing to satisfy everyone. Master Rolex Beau, recently returned from the tragic battle of Kar Ela, says he is certain the Sith are controlling the new Light Sabers. “My apprentice Satya Naas had purchased the Light Saber 11 instead of building his own like we did in our time. On Kar Ela, the cursed thing just turned itself off right when he was about to cut off Darth Tekno’s head. I will never forget his last words — it’s still in warranty. May the Force be with him!”

Though the Trade Federation is calling these isolated malfunctions, an increasing number of Jedi are now calling for a return to Light Saber 4, a device without networking features, widely considered to be the last stable and functional model to come from the Trade Federation. Some Jedi are even calling for a return to the days when building one’s own Light Saber was considered normal. However, skeptics believe that is easier said than done.

“I can’t even remember when I last saw a hand-made light saber,” says Clandu Toth, a reformed smuggler aboard the newly refurbished Centennial Eagle. “I don’t think anyone even remembers how to do that anymore. And I know for a fact that the Federation buys out black and grey market shops that still build them the old way. Either that, or they just force them shut with boycotts and the like.”