BRO Corp Breaks New Ground

The following is a work of satire. The people, plans, and entities named here do not exist.

BRO Corp’s latest fitness accessory Lift Pod is being panned by gym-goers everywhere. Most of their feedback is on the lines of “they are missing the point of exercise”. But some of BRO Corp’s most ardent customers and fans disagree. They believe that a robot that lifts weights for them at the gym is going to revolutionise the fitness industry.

BRO Corp’s supporters in the AI Artist community labelled the naysayers “anti-progress luddites” who were possibly Leftists and definitely had some kind of personal vendetta against BRO Corp CEO Felon Husk because they were jealous of the money that his father left him before he died of old age surrounded by greeting cards sent by his closest investors and shareholders.

Why else, they ask, would someone be opposed to revolutionary technology that greatly reduced human effort? After all, that’s what it is all about, isn’t it? Reducing human effort?

Felon has mumbled in a number of podcasts about how the goal of all technology is to destroy effort entirely and make every action possible without even trying.

Trying, as the title of his latest book (written in collaboration with LLMs trained on the works of the 21st century’s most mind-numbingly mediocre personal development gurus) goes, is the Enemy. The book details Felon’s deep personal struggles with purchasing the rights to mines, forested areas, and civic institutions the world over.

…I realised then that I shouldn’t have to try. Things I want should automatically belong to me. Trying is the enemy I should try to kill.

From the Introduction to Trying is The Enemy by Felon Husk. Hustle Books (a subsidiary of BRO Publishing).

Speaking to no one in particular, M Dash, a spokesman for the BRO Corp said, “Just as how AI Art tools removed the need for artists in society, soon BRO Corp’s Flesh Pod Service will eliminate the need for sex itself. I think we can all agree that sex is messy, time-consuming and hard to get, especially if you hate women. We all know the only reason anyone would ever want to have sex is to make a baby. Now there is a better way to do it. Just print a clone! No need to even look at a woman!”

BRO Corp’s Flesh Pod Service, which many critics are referring to as ‘Clone Farms’, allow users to design, download, and print babies in the comfort of their own homes.

Though some have pointed out that the service is too expensive for unemployed gamers and influencers to afford, the BRO Corp website lists several affordable plans. The cheapest of these is the ‘Future Bro’ plan, under which one can license a baby instead of purchasing it under the condition that upon reaching the age of 15, the child will become a BRO Corp employee and be sent off to work in a BRO Corp factory of the company’s choosing.

“BRO Corp is committed to solving not only the labour crisis that BRO Corp suffers from, but also to generate new revenue streams for creators to sustain themselves with,” M Dash said. He was talking of course about Personator, the completely crowdsourced Flesh Pod template database. Creators can use the Personator app to vibe code baby templates that cutomers can then download and print. Each download earns the creator a commission of 0.003 cents.

“To date, the most popular templates are ‘Shooter Boy 2031’ and the ‘Nymph 1971’. Our top 100 templates have earned creators more than ten thousand dollars,” said M Dash. Answering a question about humane treatment of sentient clones, he said, “Since the earliest days of civilisation, there have been those who oppose new technologies and the prospect of change. But progress cannot be stopped and we at BRO Corp are proud to be at the helm of it.”